Dear Christianity,

You were my first love-- the lens through which all else held meaning, the only way anything made sense, the only way I knew to be good.

I couldn't make sense of myself in this world with out you. I felt gross... like somehow my existence held a net negative footprint. But there's a way to be good, you said. Do this. Don't do this. Stay in the lines. Be kind. Listen to your elders. Don't ask for much. I felt hope. I can be good! It's so clear.

I fit myself into your mold. I tried for years. But it didn't help to shut myself down. It didn't feel good at all.

There was good there-- being kind, loving people, working hard, giving back...

But there was pain too. The me that longed to just be was suffocated + silenced. Her boundaries were rejected. Her desires were denied. They would not be accepted.

There were moments of freedom; dancing, moving, breathing in Love.

But the chains became too heavy to carry with me anymore, too all-encompassing, and then suddenly no one around me cared if I remained in them or not .

So I shimmied out.

I lifted each one, inspected it, explored it's claims, decided to let it go. I didn't want to live as some one else's idea of good anymore. I have my own good inside of me. I don't need to look anywhere else to find my goodness. I just have to let it out.

Looking at it all and looking forward I know I'll miss you. I'll miss the camaraderie. I'll miss having certainty. I'll miss having something to fall back onto + believe in + come back to when life is hard. I'll miss having a clear way to make sense of the world, to explain the beauty of a sunset or the inter-connectedness of all things. Now those things exist outside of you.

You led me here for better or worse. And I will keep the good things I learned from you. They will guide me into the next reality. I thank you for the good you gave me. Through you I became acquainted with a Love that didn't come with all the baggage you attached to it, and it is that love I seek now. Through you I was introduced to a truth that lives inside me, that runs through all life, and it is that truth that guides me.

But I can not hold onto you forever, for with you I am only a fraction of myself.

Here's to all that you were to me, and all that I am and will be without you.